Saturday, May 8, 2010

mother's day eve

tomorrow is mother's day [i think b is planning something, because he keeps asking if i'm excited for it and i quickly remind him i am NOT a mother just yet and don't deserve to celebrate anything except roundhouse kicks to the ribs] and of course this year i feel a lot more in tune to all the mommy tributes floating around out there. also we don't have DVR in our new place, so i've been forced to actually watch commercials -- there are tons of mother's day ones on all the time, including a zales diamonds one with a mother holding her newborn baby that gets me every time.

but i digress.

if i could describe the hallmark of each trimester of being pregnant, it would go like this:
1st trimester: tired and siiiick
2nd trimester: energy and appetite BACK! yay! plus a noticeable baby bump!
3rd trimester: anxiety up the wazoo

i think i am naturally prone to being a little anxious and nervous, but holy cow. anxiety has hit me like a ton of bricks in the past month or so, more than ever before.

there was one week in april where everywhere i went i heard stories of stillborn babies, SIDS babies, complicated pregnancies, dying husbands, etc etc etc and i could barely sleep at night. luckily since then things have calmed down a bit, but i still worry about EVERYTHING. moving, driving to denver, money, insurance, baby inside my stomach, labor & delivery, what will happen when the baby is OUT of my stomach, doctors, b, eating, and the list goes on and on [and on]. literally, i think i am becoming a basket case. i have to talk myself down whenever one of these things pops up in my head and try to reason that everything will be okay.

but anyway. the point of this post is not to turn all of you into my therapists. what i'm getting at is this: one of the biggest things i worry about is what kind of mommy i'll be. it just seems like such a huge job where so many things can go wrong, and life throws some crazy curveballs and i just don't know what to do. and then i see something like this video about stephanie nielson and it's like something inside me just solidifies and i know everything will be okay.

i have my own thoughts on the over-playedness of nie nie, but i can't deny that this little clip is fantastic. i admire her, but more than anything else i am grateful for her example as a mother. and for making me feel like i have made a good decision to bring this little baby into the world and try to be the best mother i can be.

the end is my favorite part:

so happy mom's day to all my mommy friends, and my non-mommy friends, and let's all pray that my anxiety doesn't grow to include plane crashes because i'm flying to california next week. :)


Season said...

I'd say you're a mother now—and I think you should celebrate by taking a loooong nap. :) Hope all goes well in Colorado! I'm going to miss you in the ward this summer.

Jennifer said...

I loved that video too.

I have a whole list of comments spinning around my head right now - more than you want to hear.

Here are the cliff notes:
You will be awesome. YOu won't be able to help it. You'll love your baby too much, to be anything less. Doesn't mean you won't feel inadequate regularly - especially since your will be trying so hard and having such big goals.

Also, you were mothering long before you conceived a baby. The fact that Mothers Day lands on a day where you have a maternal glow and bulging belly - just makes it special in it's own way. Celebrate it. You only get your first baby one time. Next time you get to experience all the special emotions of having a second baby :)

Kylee Benesh said...

Come visit so I can see you and your cute baby bump!!!!